Glorious and fat!

So as you all know (or maybe not) I recently had a baby.


Now obviously this massively changes your body in many ways. It goes through so many changes it can kind of make your head spin.

 I, personally loved my pregnant shape and I love my post partum shape but there’s one particular area that I struggle to love. You see just above my bum there’s this extra curve and I just wish sometimes that it wasn’t there. It ruins the line of dresses and often is the reason I wear longer cardigans or cover ups. When I lose weight it shrinks massively. When I gain weight (because both happen due to life...sometimes I’m busy I lose some weight sometimes I gain some weight) it becomes even more prominent.

I still, unfortunately, sometimes find myself comparing myself to girls with shapes like mine and wishing I just had a smooth back down to my bum. I always try to banish the thoughts but sometimes they get in.

Something I haven’t taked about much is my binge eating disorder. When I found body positivity I finally found myself for the first time in my life able to step away from diet culture. To stop obsessing about food and to maintain a fairly stable weight without trying.

When I was younger my family put me into a weekly clinic. I lost five stone rapidly over the space of a year and then left and gained it back. I was worse than ever before and for a good option of those two years was also bulimic. The clinic which recalled low calorie diets hadn't helped me develop "life skills to maintain a low weight" as it had claimed, it had just made me more obsessive and informed about calories and portions and made the obsession that much worse.

I got to my lowest weight and was so disillusioned by the fact that I wasn’t magically happy that I gained back all the weight plus more in two or years. I then found body positivity and actually started to hold a stable weight. Not on purpose but just because my new healthier mental attitude helped me to stop focusing on food and start focusing on loving my body as it was.

I know it doesn’t work this way for everyone but it helped me so much. When I got pregnant my diet changed without me having much of a choice. I pretty much didn’t eat for six months cause of sickness and then focused on just eating..no matter what my cravings were just so if actually be eating. And then I had Molly. I was so excited about being able to eat whatever again that I did just that. Whatever took my fancy I ate. I don’t weigh myself but I imagine I’ve gained weight the last six weeks. Not enough to be put of my size 26 range but definitely some. I didn’t care. As I said I go up and down within a certain range. However yesterday I looked in the mirror and saw the bump de bump had gotten bigger and my heart just dropped. I panicked a bit and I felt a massive loss of control about my body.

So much has been out of my control about my body that apparently this was the step too far. I felt old habits had crept back in and I noticed a binge pattern the last few weeks that gave me a fright. For my health and the sake of future pregnancies I have to try and lose some weight..I don't advocate weight loss or anything, you do you. But, despite having no desire to change my body it’s a fact of my life that I have to because of blood pressure. And I was worried I’d slipped back into an old pattern I didn’t like.

I do not restrict my diet by any means..I like to cook and bake and I eat what I want when I want it but I don’t want to slip into binge habits again because mentally it’s bad for me. But this isn’t about that although it seems to be. Last night I was angry and tetchy. I fought with Paul’s, got irrationally angry because the bread was gone stale, instead of eating a dinner I binged in bursts throughout the day and I stressed and panicked about my weight and health. And then I caught myself and I said “take a deep breath, relax and think about your body”. I thought about all that I loved about my body.

 My curves and my long legs and my bum and all the things I’ve learned to love over the last three years.. my gorgeous stomach and my perfect arms...my cellulite and my stretch marks. I look at my body most days and revel in the celebration that it is!

It created my beautiful baby..it carries me through life and it’s strong and sexy and as I thought these wonderful thoughts I started to think kindly on my back fat and how it’s all just part of my unique make up. It’s beautiful and it’s mine.  I felt the anxiety that had tightened it’s grip on my heart subside and I felt my love for my body outweigh any panic and my head slowly stepped away from food obsessing and I fell asleep happy.

I woke up with a new found love towards my bumps and lumps. I can’t guarantee I'll love it completely instantaneously but I felt so much kinder towards it and myself. Both food and weight have been controlling centres in my life for so long slipping back into panic mode can almost be like putting on some old, extremely worn, uncomfortable shoes but like shoes I can choose to put it back in the closet if I want. I don’t think I'll ever be able to escape it fully but I always have the comfort of loving my body to draw me back to solid ground.

Often people accuse fat people of trying to glorify obesity. I would like to point out that I, for one, am not out there trying to force feed my friends or tell them to gain weight. I just want to live in my body and be happy. That’s it. No master plan or dare I say, agenda, here.

 I’m trying to be glorious and obese not glorify it! And I would like to point out my psychological spiral here. I panicked about gaining weight and my reaction was to binge eat. I sat around all day obsessively thinking about food and going around in horrible circles so much that I was in a nightmare mood by the end of the night. When I sat back and thought lovingly about my body I relaxed and happily slipped out of binge eating habits. I can only attest for myself but I just feel that loving your body and feeling happy in your skin can’t be this bad thing that some people seem to feel it is, if and only if, you are fat
. As long as I’m not personally harming you I feel like maybe you should just let me be me and let me revel in my sexy, beautiful, strong, fat body and if you don’t like it..i really, really do not care! Not even a little bit, not even at all.

Velvet and leather

If you have been following me on insta you might have noticed I am a big fan of two particular things. Glitter and...velvet. If I could live each day in glitter and velvet then I would. In fact I think I might set about making that a reality if I can!

We all know January sales are fantastic and while I wasn't going over board in the sales I definitely snagged a few bargains, mainly from New Look.

I had been oogling this beautiful wine dress on New Looks website for weeks and when I saw it in my local store for €15 I knew I had to have it. I do feel like I should possibly have sized down as it has structured cups and they are slightly floating around up there..even with my ample ladies.

It's a beautiful skater style dress with a zip up back. It falls beautifully and is comfortable. I may see if I can remove the chicken cutlets because I feel they take away from the dress. The center cut has moulding and so does not collapse which is really useful!

As you can see it has great movement to it and I cannot wait to give it a spin!

I ordered the next item as a back up for New Years eve. Clothing disaster all round. I ordered this beautiful blue (velvet) wrap dress from asos and was eagerly awaiting it but realised way too late that something had gone wrong with the order and it was not going to get to me. This was on its way also but of course it did not arrive on time. Because why would it. But it did however arrive unlike the other one. Anyway I didn't get to wear it for that but I will be wearing it soon.

I feel like a boss bitch in this top and it is actually the first (but definitely not my last) peplum top. I love the drama of it all. This top is currently on sale on New Looks website for €11. How could you go wrong?

The pants I'm wearing are New Looks (can you tell I'm addicted) coated leather look pants. They are so comfortable. They are high waisted and I have been living in them for weeks. They are however still available on sale for €22.99. I will be straight up with you though. These babies are cracking. I love them but there are several areas that are threatening to peel. Also in the chub rub areas there is some coating that is lifting. So that is something to bear in mind.

So long story short if your looking to feel like a queen and velvet is your fabric of choice you won't got wrong swinging by New Looks sale section right now!

Happy shopping lovelies!

Affordable make up review -

I'm all about affordability and one of my favourite affordable make up brands is Make up Revolution. Their pallettes are bomb. I have five or six of them and about 30 more that I want to own!

I'm not 100% sure what the relationship is between Freedom make up or (especially after  testing this pallete) if their even is a relationship between the two..maybe I just assumed that because they're on the same stand in my local chemist!

I spent ages deliberating the other day about which pallette to pick up and ended up going for the Pro 12 Audacious 3 pallette from freedom make up. At €6 I didn't think I could go wrong. I did.

I was quite excited, they have good selection of other pallettes all for the same price and I was excited at the prospect of buying them all. I don't have a problem I swear. However while might try another (for the sake of thoroughness you understand) I doubt I will get a much different result.

For your money you do quite well. There are 12 fairly large sized pans in the pallette and that them works out at 50 cent a shadow. The pallette contains 3 mattes, 6 with a slight amount of shimmer and 3 foil shadows.

They swatched quite well but once I attempted to use them with a brush..that all changed. The pigmentation disappeared.  I might get some good of the shadows with some setting spray to make then more intense but I'll put it this way I won't be reaching for this pallette.

The eye look turned out OK in the end but I wasn't impressed and it was way more subtle than it should have been. It also took a lot of work to even get where I did in the end.

My advice would be add the extra €5 and pick up one of the make up revolution  pallettes. It will be worth it I promise.

Autumn is my damned favourite

Don't get me wrong I have loved my first summer comfortable enough with myself to wear body consider and go legs and arms out. I didn't quite get a chance to rock a bikini but I suppose it gives me something to look forward to next summer!

But I fricken love autumn. It's not as cold as winter but you get to bust out layers and scarves and comfy jumpers. This year has seen me build up a wardrobe of clothes that I've always wanted to wear and I am super excited for a new season and a whole new range of clothes to drive myself to bankruptcy with!

My first new obsession..jackets. As a big girl jacket shopping used to be a nightmare. And my parents did not help with that..they would constantly try to choose shapeless, boyish options to hide their shame. I remember trying on this beautiful fitted jacket one time and I loved it and my dad promptly told me it didn't suit but wouldn't say why.  My mam told me straight. It hit my bum in the wrong way and made it look massive apparently. I'm pretty sure I left with some ugly plain black jacket feeling thoroughly depressed. But that girl doesn't exist any more so let's not dwell..this year I shall be bang on trend. Of course I still have some restrictions. Unlike my friends I can't pop into penneys and pick something up and I am not made of money. So I need something fashionable and really really affordable.

My go to site for plus clothes is asos. It was the first site I shopped from and will always have a special place in my heart but I was thoroughly disappointed. Firstly nothing majorly popped for me. Yes I liked a lot but to be honest not as many as I thought I would.  And when I say affordable I mean I am not spending over forty quid on a jacket. I just don't have it. The sale items were good but again nothing nabbed me. There are some beautiful options, my favourite of which are below. But it was too steep for me to justify. So I went to me next stop. New Look.

1. Boyfriend Coat in Cocoon Fit - On Sale for €58.00/ 2. Boohoo plus Varsity Satin Bomber Jacket - On Sale for €24.00/ 3. New Look Plus Floral Bomber Jacket - €43.99/ 4. Misguided Plus Crushed Velvet Bomber - €46.67/ 5. New Look Embroidered Sateen Bomber Jacket - €46.65/ 6. Alice & You Winter Floral Bomber Jacket - €64.00/ 7. Daisy Street Plus Camo Utility Jacket With Pockets - €53.32/ 8. Asos Curve Ultimate Faux Leather Biker Jacket with Piped Detail - €64.00

I have more selections from asos however some of these are New Look jackets being sold through Asos as well as misguided and Boohoo jackets. In fact the leather jacket is the only one from the Asos Curve Range. I know this is kind of the point of Asos, however, I often find that the items are cheaper on the original sites themselves so its always worth checking the original site as well. Price wise these all range from €40 up to €65 and these are the lower priced ones that I chose. I don't see the point in adding in jackets that I would never buy myself because of the price!

And as usual recently New Look didn't disappoint. I loved every second jacket and almost snapped and impulsively bought, you know, all of them. The jackets, in my opinion, are more stand out and at forty euro on average they are way more in my price range. Obviously some of there's go higher but I felt like asos's average price was over €70 and New Looks was over €40.

1. Curves Blue Colour Block Sateen Bomber Jacket - €44.99/ 2. Curves Dark Green Sateen Bomber Jacket - €39.99/ 3.Curves Longline Bomber Jacket - €44.99/ 4. Curves Blue Borg Lined Denim Jacket - €39.99/ 5. Curves Velvet Bomber Jacket - €44.99

My favourites from New Look were kind of endless but I whittled them down.  Expect to see at least one of these in future hauls of mine! Can you tell I'm into this bomber fad that's about this season?

I love the fact that there were different options here and not just a lot of bombers. Also noteworthy is the fact that they are all under €45! That's a win in my books and I will definitely be purchasing some jackets from New Look this season.

I also had a look at Boohoo's website and was kind of shocked to find such a tiny selection of jackets. 

 Unfortunately I have the prices for these in £'s 1.Lilac/Grey Bomber - £15.00/ 2. Pink Bomber jacket - £15.00/ 3. Plus MA1 Black Bomber - £15.00/ 4. Plus Belted Shawl Collar Coat - £25.00

Obviously a big benefit here is price, even when converted to euros these would all be under €35. However I wasn't wowed by any in particular. That's not saying that for 20 quid I wouldn't pick up one of those bombers!

So that's my round up of my favorite plus size coats from those three websites. I know there are more websites but for us Irish and Uk girls these are some of the more accessible websites that don't have insane shipping costs!

Until next time!

Complete stop

So last weekend was our last weekend before we had to hand back our keys. It was one of many emotions but over all I was run off my feet and neither had the energy to get up and take pics or the time to blog.

Moving was a nightmare..at the end. Because myself and my boyfriend are the king and Queen of the procrastination nation. We had a whole month to do it and of course we were still there on thelast night at nine o clock.

At the moment I  also the poster child for Murphy's law at the moment. Last week I did in my hand and have it strapped up and this explains you absence all week. I tried to blog but unfortunately carpal tunnel syndrome slightly impedes typing.  So my hand was coming around and everything was on the up and up. It's not healed fully but at least I can type in my phone now!I couldn't even do that last week.

As I said things were looking good injury wise and then this weekend I somehow managed to stand on glass. So now I have a hand in a splint and a hobbily limp! I'm a walking disaster. But luckily a limp won't stop me writing. It does however impede walking around which is a pain but I'll live. 

I decided to give myself a break this morning and of course the sun put on a wonderful show. I'll see how I'm doing tomorrow but I'm hoping to get back into my swing then!

So there was a blip but I'll persevere! That's life anyway, as long as you get back on the horse that's all that matters!

Keep going wherever the adventure takes you!

And on the 7th day I was shrouded in mist.

I woke up this morning and knew I wasn't going to see a single sunray but I wiggled out to the car anyway, got all wrapped up and went down on to the beach. It was pretty wonderful I must admit. It seemed like only the 70 feet around me existed. It was with windy but quiet at the same time and I loved it.

I'm someone who loves solitude..however there is that small irrational fear that someone might murder me!hahaha!

I called it a day fairly quickly and went home to do some editing before my boyfriend got up.

For my outfit today I wore one of my favourite green shirts and some jeans and I was definitely channelling my boy self. I absolutely love the duality of waking up and putting on certain clothes and feeling either boyish or girlish. It means no day is ever the same!

I decided to wear pink lipstick which I think was a mistake..first and foremost I was having an "I have forgotten how to make up" day and I just couldn't get a tidy line . Secondly it just didn't feel right with my outfit. It was a clash of my boy/girl side. However as the day has gone on its kinda grown on me. I do think I should have gone for something vampy cause it would have made me feel like a boss bitch!  There's always tomorrow!

Adventure till the end people!

Day 6. My life is an explosion

Everything in my life is changing. Dramatically. Well maybe not that dramatically but after a year of relative stability I feel like everything is suddenly happening all at once. As it likes to do.

We have moved house and while we're so sad to leave our last place our new house is adorable and cosy and it makes it easier. My boyfriend just started a new job so all of a sudden we have this new schedule to keep. I have cut back my work hours and now after two years working with the same family I am moving on to a new job. My boyfriend has started a new online course and I am starting a new photography course next month. It's wonderful but it's hectic. My living room currently looks like a bomb and I can't find any of my clothes but I'm happy to have change.  I'm also rocking some very Halloween socks..anyone else as excited for Halloween as I am??

I have been loving blogging more these last few days and I hope to keep it up which is why I challenged myself to blog everyday for 30 days. So far I haven't always been bang on time but as I said life is pretty much eating/sleeping/moving at the moment. Adding in getting up at 6:30 to take pics every morning and you've got a recipe for a girl who falls asleep in the middle of star trek every.damn.evening. Honestly..someone rang my boyfriend at 9:40 pm last night and I'd already been asleep for half an hour!

So I did get up again this morning and something I'm realising is that each night I'm half tempted to turn off my alarm and just sleep in but each morning I'm waking before my alarm, alert and ready to go look at more clouds again. At least that's what it feels like! Of the five mornings I've done this there has been one proper sunrise! But it's a little insight into professional photographers lives..a very little one. You get all your gear..you get prepared and then the sun doesn't even put on a show. It's not all that frustrating so far though..I'd rather be out there then miss a beautiful sky!

I thought today was a repeat of the last few mornings and I was happily snapping on the beach. I had just decided it was time to go home when the sun decided to give me a wonderful treat. The clouds parted and the sun, already well on its journey through the sky lit up the whole world, or at least it felt like that to me. The mist over the sand dunes turned golden and ethereal and the waves were tipped with golden surf. It was breath taking. It was worth two dud mornings and more. I just stood there and marvelled at its gorgeousness and eventually I had to tear myself away..almost late to bring my boyfriend to work!

Today I wore some black shiny leggings that just wrecked my head all day. They were constantly slipping down and getting wrinkles in them that made my knees look elephant skin-ish. I'm also stepping away from my usual grey to wear...wait for it...black. or rather it used to be silver but life has taken away it's shimmer  (how sad) but it has now been transformed into a glittery black number so it's cool!

I chose a classic red lipstick to contrast my all black outfit and I remembering my original love was red lippy and thinking maybe I should purchase a few new ones! Any excuse to buy more make up eh?

Sit back and enjoy the adventure, it's well worth the ride!

Day 5. If anyone finds my luck could they return it to me?

I woke up stupid early this morning. And as I was trying to drift back to sleep my phone beeped and when I checked it is realised it was six in the morning. That's basically it for me. If I know it's after like five in the morning I just can't go back to sleep. So after a few minutes of laying there is decided to roll out of bed earlier and go a bit farther a field. I went downstairs, made a flask, grabbed my coat and set off. I got to this beach and sat sipping my tea looking out and it became clear pretty quick the sky was going to stay cloudy as could be.

Needless to say there wasn't sight nor sound of the sun so I decided to cut my losses and drive back to my usual spot. Still no sunrise.  It peeped out once or twice but then it disappeared. 

I love this though. And in my life I spend a lot of time surrounded by craziness and noise. Standing on a beach, alone with nothing but the waves and the birds to keep me company is kind of wonderful!

I wore a simple to short dress today and completely forgot to snap it but during the week for me it's comfy over classy because I am not going to rock up to the kids schools in something uncomfortable. 

I also found something else today which kind of expands on the whole "lipstick brings out different aspects of my personality thing". Unfortunately after two years in my job I have decided to move on. Yesterday I had to hand in my notice and as I sat at my mirror in the morning I found myself looking at my lipsticks and thinking which colour portrays "I'm sorry I'm leaving you" more? I settled on a bright pink because it felt less threatening to me. Am I insane for casting these attributes to these colours? I don't know but I thought it was interesting!

So far I am loving this challenge. I have found myself more likely to say yes to things and in general just a bit more thoughtful about how I spend my time. I would definitely like to incorporate some crafting to my daily life again so I might add something about that into my next 30 days!

Enjoy the adventure!

Day 3/4

I swear life knows when to mess with my plans. So my computer decided to update yesterday and it took...hours.....actually hours. And so I didn't get a chance to blog...that's what I get for leaving it till night time though. My boyfriend was up half the night again, sick, and I couldn't even contemplate getting up this morning. I also feel like the point of this challenge is to do something i love however if it becomes like a chore it takes from it. I also know it's important however to practice some persistence and I have decided to take just Sundays off as this particular challenge involves getting up at half six every morning.

Of course as is life I ended up waking up just as the sun rise anyway so my lie in wasn't exactly insane!

I did however get up yesterday morning but this time the sun let me down. Well the clouds did to be accurate.

But it didn't matter.  I got great pics of the beach anyway and I still felt brilliant. The winds whipped my hair every which way and I felt alive and full of beans! The point of this challenge is to help me revitalise a bit after all.

I'm also discovering that my favourite colour really is grey. I don't know if it's just a wierd coincidence or if I regularly wear so much grey but I've lived in it this week.

I've also found something interesting about wearing lipstick everyday. I love my face. I have no problem going make up free but I have found that wearing just lipstick gives me a little kick in different parts of my personality. I mean I always knew that on days when my make up was on pointe I would have a little extra pep in my step and I was aware that certain looks would bring out different sides of me but I thought it was the whole look.

I was wrong. If I put on baby pink lipstick and nothing else I instantly tap into my girlier side of me and if I put on a vampy colour my ass kicking side presents itself!

I kind of love it.

That's all my observations for today.

Until tomorrow,

Enjoying my next great adventure into my comfy bed!

Our computer hates me. Day 2

So for the last two evenings, basically since my post yesterday, our laptop has been on the fritz. Also in the middle of the night my boyfriend woke up super sick and still is tonight. It was a hectic, crazy day today and the laptop has only just agreed to function again. It's safe to say that sooner rather than later, we're going to need a new one.

I have some important thoughts about today and my challenge but I'll be honest, I spent most of last night awake and I am going to bed...at half eight, and I just can't find it in me to function.

I am checking in, this (barely) counts as blogging but I wanted to share my over whelming lesson from today.

Getting up to watch and photograph the sunrise made my whole day better. My day started bad with neither of my good cameras cooperating but I couldn't even be mad. The world was so peaceful at that time of the morning that I couldn't but see the wonder in it.

That, I'm afraid, is it for today!

Keep looking for your next great adventure!

Teeny, tiny pay day haul and Day 1 update.

I am a massive fan of liquid lippies, this is not an exaggeration, my work desk is also make up station and I am currently sitting next to a basket of roughly 70 liquid lips...I might actually have to look up some sort of help group. I lived for lipstick but it used to drive me nuts having to top it up because, well I'm a low maintenance kinda girl and it seemed like way too much effort to deal with. Apparently I've become more high maintenance because to be honest topping up my lipstick during a night out no longer seems like that much of a bother. maybe it's because now i don't really have a choice if I want to top up my liquid lip their biggest draw back is that with most of them you need to remove it all and start from scratch which is sooooo much more effort. I'm rambling however, my point is I am a firm lover of the liquid lip but recently I have to admit a few products (lip ammunition) have been catching my eye and the thought of matte lipsticks that aren't super drying but havent loast pigment or that matte look is appealing sometimes so when we popped into the chemists this evening and I obviously had to check out their stash of make up two of Essence's liquid lip colours caught my eye. Also I have to say I liked their packaging. And most importantly, they were €2.90. Could you go wrong? So I nabbed them knowing they probably weren't going to a dry down kind of lip.

I couldn't be more happy I did. Even just for the sake of smelling them. I opened them and this beautiful cake, choco smell that I frankly wish I could rub on my body hit my nose. If your not into that, don't buy these, but if you like deliciousness I say go for it. They have a little heart shaped doe foot and they applied lovely. They are extremely thick as far as liquid lips go, sort of mousse-y but they feel lovely going on! Also I never have an issue not smacking my lips together when wearing liquid lips I feel a serious compulsion to smush my lips all over each other because the texture of these is just lovely!

I'm also finding them lasting enough for me. I mean it's not like a twelve hour kind of lipstick but it's comfy and the colour is lasting pretty well. As I said I can always just top them up!

I also picked up a few different nail varnishes today. I got "The Metals" from Essence in shade 35 Rock my soul but I have yet to try this baby. I picked up W7 Diamond top coat and W7 shade 106 Purple Rain which I am wering and loving, lets just see how long it lasts! They were all under €3 and I will be buying a few more from these ranges.

Today was also day one of my thirty day challenge and I wore a lovely new jumper that I got from New Look and a pair of navy blue jeans. I'm not going to go into too much detail as these two will be in my haul that should be up at the start of next month!

I also wore my penneys/primark vans style shoes that I have been living in and will be going to buy more of this weekend. I finished the outfit off with my handmade scarf that I made earlier this week.

I also crushed the Wear Lipstick Everyday Challenge. I wore two lipsticks today!

Because I bought the new ones so obviously I had to try one!

I was trying to keep my eyes open in the first one because the sun was right in there and I love the isanely intense stare I ended up with!

Until tomorrow,

Enjoy your adventures!

The Next Great Adventure.

The title of my blog could not be more apt than for a post such as this.

In my life I have always looked on to the next great adventure, college, travel, art college, job choices etc. and I was doing good as a spontaneous wild young thing, that is until adult life caught up with me. As millions about the world will tell you, at certain points you tend to get stuck in a rut. For whatever reason I have found myself in one for far longer than I would like to admit. I'm not going to go too much into that because that is the boring part of all this, hence my feelings that some change is needed. My main excuse however, is important so I will tell you it. I never have time. Time is my excuse for everything. I would do that if only I had more time, I would go here if only I had more time. You get where I'm going with this.

I expected a lot of things to happen in my life. Like a lot of people I had notions about being different etc. And I'll be honest in the grand scheme of things, among my friend group I probably am. I have made a lot of choices people might have questioned because my focus in life is not having a large bank balance but rather loving what I do and I have been very lucky to do what I love for the last three years. I work with kids as a childminder. Many people, including my family, fairly openly look down on my work choice but it is my opinion that one facet of a persons life is not enough to judge them on. As I said I have loved the last three years of my life. After college I didn't pursue my degree area and I went from one boring job to another ending up in an accountants office working as a secretary. It was not for me, I am scatter brained and find it hard to apply myself to tasks for long periods of time and these are definitely are not traits that a good secretary should possess. Needless to say I was in trouble a lot and doing a bad job unintentionally. After a year of toil I left and found work as a child minder. I really wanted to work with kids but not having a qualification limited me. I was lucky enough to find work with two lovely families and have been there since.

I get to go for walks on the beach while others sit in cold dark offices. I get to play with building blocks while others photocopy the same page 500000000 times. I think I'm the luckiest person in the world. And I am good at my job. It all comes natural to me. I have always wanted to be a mother and the one resounding comment everyone makes to me is "I'd say it makes you think twice about having kids eh?" and I'll be honest, it does the exact opposite. I have never wanted kids more than I do now. I love my job and I can't wait to have my own little ones who I don't have to say goodbye to at the end of the day.

However, as is the nature of my job, things have changed. The kids are both in school now and that means a reduction in my hours and a change of my job requirements. My boyfriend and I are lucky enough to be able to accept this hour reduction without it being too detrimental to our lives. He has recently started a new job as a preschool teacher in an Irish school. This allows me work less hours. I have been enjoying the last couple of weeks but a few things have become apparent to me.

Unfortunately the new schedule in my job has relegated me to a glorified cleaner and babysitter. I barely get downtime with the kids and the schedule is quite tight and stressful. I have lost the part of my job that I loved and it is making me assess my decisions regarding how much longer I will stay where I am. Also my boyfriend is working in my dream job. I would love to be in a preschool all day every day and while I am so proud and happy for him it is reminding me that my initial thoughts going into childminding were that I would do it while I got qualified in childcare and then move on. This hasn't transpired. Life got busy. I was the sole provider in our house for much of the last three years as I helped put my boyfriend through college. My boyfriend is one hundred per cent behind  me and is happy to support us while I try and figure stuff out so I have been left with, for once, more time!

This in turn has made me aware of how much I have allowed life slip past me the last few years. I have become the person who will say "yes I'd love to do that" but won't actually take steps to do it.

I am most definitely lacking challenge in my life, in fact I have become scared of challenge.

I spent my life riding horses and believe me I fell off many times. I was never scared of falling, that is until I got good and went several years without falling. It became a massive object in my mind. I was scared of falling again. When I fell off all the time I knew it meant very little but the more I built it up in my mind the more terrifying it seemed. I have become afraid of falling in my life. I have gotten older and lost some of my childish bravery.

What if I'm not as smart as I was? What if I fluked my way through college the first time? What if our lives fall apart because I'm being selfish?

I'm here, in the rut, with many others and I want to change that.

I'm not going to start big. They say it takes a month to make or break a habit, however the habit I want to make in my life is fun, it's creativity. I want to say yes more.

Most people these days have some habit tracking app or something like that. My habits you ask?

1. Give up sugar.
2. Take your vitamins
3. Exercise.
4. Drink more water

I looked at them the other day and I thought..shit when did this happen? This isn't me.
Where did I lose my fun along the way? When did I lose my desire to challenge myself?

So I'm changing that,

Each thirty days I am going to pick a few things, small things to start and I am going to commit to them for 30 days. Just 30 days. I have more time. I have my whole life. If I can't give thirty days of my life to something fun then I have lost the essence of me.

I'm hoping to learn more about myself during this and maybe even find out what I want to do with my life who knows?

If your interested in seeing me push my boundaries then please feel free to join me. I might make you laugh you never know!

This month I am going to start with a few small things, some I will update daily about, others at the end of the week, others at the end of the month but everything will be documented here which brings me to my first task this month.

1. I will blog, EVERYDAY, for 30 days!

2. I will photograph the sunrise everyday for 30 days.

3. I will wear a different outfit everyday for 30 days.

4. I will wear a different lipstick everyday for 30 days.

That's it for these 30 days.

The only one with any addendum is to no.3 I will use the same jeans, leggings and tights as bases for each outfit but other than that I must wear something different everyday and I can repeat an item but not styled the same way!

And so I start my next great adventure!

Birthday Plus Size Clothes Haul

I was very lucky this year to have my father and boyfriend wuss out of actually buying me a present and give me money instead..I think I'm not a fussy person but maybe the realities a little different! So naturally I took my dolla dolla bills and spent it all on clothes. What else could I do? To be perfectly honest, as i said on my last post, reveling in buying clothes is a brand new feeling for me..as in this year new. So I love it. In fairness though I don't think the novelty of this is realistically going to wear off..my love affair with clothes is here to stay!

My little haul started arriving early this week and should have all been here in one day but unfortunately there was a slight hiccup with one of my packages which was quickly resolved and it arrived just a couple of days late! The main bulk of my haul is from New Look because I'm my personal opinion they are motherf'n killing the game at the moment. I also snagged a few items from Boohoo..and because it's me they were of all on sale. Because why buy three expensive items when you can buy 11 half price ones? Seriously..I can make money stretch.

I  am a massive asos fan but unfortunately, for me at least, I just wasn't stirred by anything in their curve sale section...I mean sometimes I want everything on the site but to be honest I felt like New Look had more unique and striking pieces for less, or at least stuff that caught my eye more than anything else. Also FYI, the grey bardot dress I bought was also for sale an asos for €17 ish and I bought it straight from New Look for €12.50! I am seriously about stretching the pennies!

I also have a major online shopping flaw..would you call it a flaw? I don't know but in general I have a super silly tendency to go on with the intention of buying basics and then end up with some crazy fancy gown that will hang in my wardrobe for ages because I don't go anywhere fancy! All the while of course I will be stomping around in a temper because I don't have anything nice to wear in my day to day life! This time I made sure not to fall in that hole. Since I am basically building my wardrobe from scratch I gave myself strict parameters to find things that I could both wear during the day while bumbling about and during the night if I happened to venture further than the cinema. Versatile clothing I believe it's called! And I'm so proud to say I stuck (mostly) to this rule! So I decided it might be fun to show these items in a side by side fashion with my dressed down and dressed up versions! Mainly to assuage my fears that i have once again bought things that will hang sadly in my wardrobe but also mainly because I fricken love dressing up!

So as I said the main bulk of my haul is from New Look and then I got four items from Boohoo. My Boohoo things are basic wardrobe staples and the New Look stuff is definitely day wearable but I'm still me so I couldn't resist a slight amount of fancy!

I'm going to start with the items from Boohoo and also just as a reference I ordered everything in a size 24 and I am 5ft 10!

The first thing I picked up is a t shirt that has been doing the rounds for a long time. The Slogan tees that Boohoo has added to their plus range celebrating booties, beauties and curves! I honestly thought I had picked up the "Brains, beauty, booty" one cause that's a very me t shirt however I apparently picked the "curves on fleek" one instead!

The fabric is lovely though, I am feeling this top!It's soft and comfy and yet when I paired it with a black pencil skirt and heels it looked slinky as hell! I will definitely be going back to get the "Brains, Beauty, Booty" t-shirt.

The next item I picked up was a black ribbed pencil skirt. To be honest I could have sized down as it is a little baggy a the top but I won't be returning it because it's comfy. however if you want it to be skin tight I would suggest sizing down and it would be a pretty safe bet as it is very stretchy. It is also, slightly see through because of the ribbing. Again this doesn't bother me and it's not majorly see through but if it's something your concious about then this may not be the skirt for you!

The third thing I bought from boohoo baffles me slightly. It's a plain grey body, with those chest strappy things that are oh so in but the fit is all off..its a size 24 but honestly I would say it would only be long enough for someone under 5ft 6". As a tall girl I just cannot even attempt to close this which is annoying because I really like it!

I am not completely against Boohoo's bodies however because the next one turns it around because I'm pretty sure nothing I have ever worn has made me feel as sexy as this black wrap body does!

That brings my boohoo haul to a wrap and begins my New Look one...seriously addicted to New Look at the moment! In fact I've just ordered a couple more things from them so I might do a New Look haul in a bit!

I got this beautiful wine slip dress which now seem to be everywhere at the moment. I for one am loving the nineties re-visitation!

I have been living in that baby! Next from New Look was is this matching set which I love because it means you've got one comprehensive dress but also two separate items that can make a completely different outfit!

A couple of months ago I set my beady eyes on this bomb khaki shirt and I was so excited when I got it for half off! I love the frick out of it..honestly!It feels like amazing quality and its so comfortable!

I then picked up two bodycon dresses and I love the different feelings both give off.

The first is a bardot dress which makes me feel sexy and sultry!

I have to say though am I the only one who can't wear dresses like this without the shoulders constantly migrating? It's frustrating!

The second one gives off this real sporty feel and I have been wearing it non stop! I love that I can throw it on and feel dressed up and comfortable at the same time!

I have been eyeballing denim dungaree dresses for a while and when I saw this baby I had to have it!

Honestly I probably should have sized up in this because its a little tight at the bottom and I like to be able to move in my clothing! I'll probably put up with it though cause I love this!

And that brings my haul to an end. I loved shooting this and honestly it made me feel a million dollars so hopefully I'll get to shoot another one soon!

Till then..enjoy the adventure!

My thoughts on body shame.

My life has changed drastically in the last two years. Two years ago I discovered the most wonderful community of people, The body positive community and since learning about body love in a different light m entire life has changed. The bothersome thing to me is that I cannot pinpoint a moment, a quote, an account that suddenly made me realize that loving myself, exactly how I am was not a crime. I wish I could.

Learning to love my body has only made me more aware of the subtle body shaming that exists in every day life. I am not just talking about the trolls who spam Instagram pics or YouTube videos. I am not talking about those "caring folk" who only shame us for our health. I am talking about your mother, your friends, your family. People who are as indoctrinated as I was about fat bodies, skinny bodies, disabled bodies, short bodies, any body that doesn't look like the ones in magazines. And don't even get me started on those. It is easy to blame popular culture for these things and I will be the first to rant about how these magazines perpetuate "ideal beauty" but two years ago I made a choice to broaden my mind. To accept that just because I am being bombarded with an idea does not mean I have to choose to believe it. I made that choice and it was the best thing I ever did.

Several things happened when I did this.

No. 1

I stopped wearing clothes that didn't fit me

For years I have fought the weight that I have put on ad the sizing ups I have gone through. If you had asked me a couple of years ago to go shopping I would have groaned. Until recently I thought the worst thing you could buy someone for their birthday was clothes. I got no joy from clothes. They were confines that reminded me every day that I was getting bigger. I looked at the clothes I wore and their boring plainness screamed at me that I was too fat to wear the interesting clothes I wanted to wear. One of the main reasons I wanted to loose weight was so that I "could wear the clothes I wanted to wear". I'll be honest, living in Waterford, Ireland didn't help combat any of these issues. Clothing ranges here tend to go up to 18 at best with a few places offering a handful of size 20's. Once I outgrew this range (I am currently a size 24) I was at a loss. My only other option? Evans. I have no Issue with any plus size clothing shop but the reality is that as a teenager who already felt like they stuck out I didn't particularly feel like wearing clothes that were clearly made for older women and most of which were designed to hide the "hideous" body I had. I am currently 26 years old and only this year did I begin to wear the clothes I wanted to wear. In fact it is only within the last few months that I have truly begun to put together a wardrobe that actually brings me joy.

Night out prep for most girls means getting dolled up and trying on their favourite dresses and then probably exclaiming they had "nothing to wear" before picking up a comfy favourite and heading out. For me it meant emotional breakdowns as I tried to squish myself into clothes that no longer fit and mainly bored the crap out of me anyway. I would regularly break down in tears/have a temper tantrum (with myself of course not anyone else) before finding some loose fitting item that hid all of my perceived flaws and went out feeling awful and then wonder why I had a bad night and probably drank too much. Events that should have been fun turned into self torturing guilt parties with myself.

So you can imagine the amazing revelation shopping for the right size was when it happened for me. As I type this I'm currently eagerly awaiting a birthday haul from boohoo and New Look filled with excitement at the thought of trying on clothes that I know will a) fit me and b) I will feel proud to walk around in. All of the past fear and anguish that I subjected myself too because a silly number seem like long forgotten insanity to me now. Is my value really any less or more if my dress size is bigger or for that matter smaller? which leads me on to the next thing I realized.

No. 2 Fat people aren't the only ones who are body shamed.

Yes this is obvious, yes I knew this already but I was too wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself to realise the extent of this. For me my life has been very much shaped by shame. My family shamed me for my weight, and unbeknownst to themselves still do, my friends and peers shamed me (not my current friends however, they are amazing, the others those..I lost those haters) magazines shamed me, strangers on the street shamed me. Apparently being fat was the most important thing about me, who knew how much space I occupied was that important to every damn person. What I was happily ignoring though was that every. single. body. is. shamed. For whatever reason. At varying levels of intensity. I wallowed in my self pity allowing myself believe I had it the toughest of everyone I knew but the reality was I was just worse at hiding my insecurity, Just last week a friend of mine I have always believed to be strong and confident admitted to me that she looks in the mirror and criticizes everything. Me telling her there is no need to criticize any part of her is pointless. Me saying well if I can love all these lumps and bumps then you should shut up is ridiculous and also inaccurate. For her a few extra pounds means as much as my few extra stone does to me. It is her body and it saddens me that when she look at herself she sees only imperfections but as of yet I am still searching for a way to take the flaw coloured glasses off for her. All I can do is try and explain for me what was important and the root of that for me is this. I stopped believing the lies. The lies that I was worth less because I weighed more. That I was ugly because my body was extra large. That I didn't deserve to feel good because I ate too much. That I should look in the mirror and criticize instead of adore. Its not easy for me every day sometimes I feel like a lump of play dough and other days I feel like a Grecian goddess but the fact the the days I feel sexy outweigh the days I feel like crap is a win for me. 

I stopped listening to others and their opinions about my body and when I did I saw my real body for the first time ever. Before I couldn't tell you two things I liked about my body now I could list hundreds. And that doesn't mean everyone has to agree with me. My point here is that I no longer care. I love my body and that is enough for me and I wish with all my heart that I could explain that to her. We had a great chat and I hope some of the stuff stuck with her but I am aware that changing your lifes beliefs can't happen overnight however I refuse to stop preaching this (and I am not a preachy person) but if there has ever been a cause to get behind its helping people love themselves. This world is hard enough without being your own worst critic. And that my friends is my third (and final) point.

No.3 We are all our own worst critic 

My god, if you take anything, like one tiny thing from this post I want it to be this. 

Go easy on yourself. You are doing your best!

Seriously though you are, you're still here, still fighting and that is always worth something. I have always noticed people bashing themselves and I'm going to be honest here the majority are women. I know men do too. Don't panic I'm not claiming men don't have it hard but there is no denying that here is more pressure on women to fit a certain aesthetic. As I was saying I tend to find it's women bashing themselves. I always noticed it obviously cause you know, I've met a woman, but it saddens me so much more now that I am aware that you can live your life (mostly) free of this. All the women in my life, from my cousin and friends to my sister to my mother and her sisters to acquaintances or people I've met once or twice it has become common place for women to put themselves in most conversations. From "harmless" things such as "Oh I could never wear/do/say that" to big things every time I hear it a voice is screaming STOP TEARING YOURSELF DOWN! the world already tries to do it, don't help it please! nobody is worthless, nobody is ugly and unloveable. There is only one thing that matters in the world. Trying to leave it better than you found it. Try to be good and kind and live a hate free life and that is it. And that includes letting go of self hate. I am not able to claim this utopic thing myself. I know what I'm saying is hard but if you try every day then your doing it. As long as you refuse to give in to the hate in this world then you are still winning. Start with just being kind to yourself. And yes it is that simple. If it helps say stop out loud when you start internally bashing yourself. Be your own support system and at risk of revealing myself as a Teen Wolf fan, in the wise words of Mellissa McCall "Be your own anchor". Don't depend on others to build you up because that will never be enough. You are the only constant in your life. Wake up in the morning and tell yourself you are wonderful and that you are proud of yourself. Start your day on a damn good foot and maybe you'll make it through less scathed!