Glorious and fat!

So as you all know (or maybe not) I recently had a baby.


Now obviously this massively changes your body in many ways. It goes through so many changes it can kind of make your head spin.

 I, personally loved my pregnant shape and I love my post partum shape but there’s one particular area that I struggle to love. You see just above my bum there’s this extra curve and I just wish sometimes that it wasn’t there. It ruins the line of dresses and often is the reason I wear longer cardigans or cover ups. When I lose weight it shrinks massively. When I gain weight (because both happen due to life...sometimes I’m busy I lose some weight sometimes I gain some weight) it becomes even more prominent.

I still, unfortunately, sometimes find myself comparing myself to girls with shapes like mine and wishing I just had a smooth back down to my bum. I always try to banish the thoughts but sometimes they get in.

Something I haven’t taked about much is my binge eating disorder. When I found body positivity I finally found myself for the first time in my life able to step away from diet culture. To stop obsessing about food and to maintain a fairly stable weight without trying.

When I was younger my family put me into a weekly clinic. I lost five stone rapidly over the space of a year and then left and gained it back. I was worse than ever before and for a good option of those two years was also bulimic. The clinic which recalled low calorie diets hadn't helped me develop "life skills to maintain a low weight" as it had claimed, it had just made me more obsessive and informed about calories and portions and made the obsession that much worse.

I got to my lowest weight and was so disillusioned by the fact that I wasn’t magically happy that I gained back all the weight plus more in two or years. I then found body positivity and actually started to hold a stable weight. Not on purpose but just because my new healthier mental attitude helped me to stop focusing on food and start focusing on loving my body as it was.

I know it doesn’t work this way for everyone but it helped me so much. When I got pregnant my diet changed without me having much of a choice. I pretty much didn’t eat for six months cause of sickness and then focused on just eating..no matter what my cravings were just so if actually be eating. And then I had Molly. I was so excited about being able to eat whatever again that I did just that. Whatever took my fancy I ate. I don’t weigh myself but I imagine I’ve gained weight the last six weeks. Not enough to be put of my size 26 range but definitely some. I didn’t care. As I said I go up and down within a certain range. However yesterday I looked in the mirror and saw the bump de bump had gotten bigger and my heart just dropped. I panicked a bit and I felt a massive loss of control about my body.

So much has been out of my control about my body that apparently this was the step too far. I felt old habits had crept back in and I noticed a binge pattern the last few weeks that gave me a fright. For my health and the sake of future pregnancies I have to try and lose some weight..I don't advocate weight loss or anything, you do you. But, despite having no desire to change my body it’s a fact of my life that I have to because of blood pressure. And I was worried I’d slipped back into an old pattern I didn’t like.

I do not restrict my diet by any means..I like to cook and bake and I eat what I want when I want it but I don’t want to slip into binge habits again because mentally it’s bad for me. But this isn’t about that although it seems to be. Last night I was angry and tetchy. I fought with Paul’s, got irrationally angry because the bread was gone stale, instead of eating a dinner I binged in bursts throughout the day and I stressed and panicked about my weight and health. And then I caught myself and I said “take a deep breath, relax and think about your body”. I thought about all that I loved about my body.

 My curves and my long legs and my bum and all the things I’ve learned to love over the last three years.. my gorgeous stomach and my perfect arms...my cellulite and my stretch marks. I look at my body most days and revel in the celebration that it is!

It created my beautiful baby..it carries me through life and it’s strong and sexy and as I thought these wonderful thoughts I started to think kindly on my back fat and how it’s all just part of my unique make up. It’s beautiful and it’s mine.  I felt the anxiety that had tightened it’s grip on my heart subside and I felt my love for my body outweigh any panic and my head slowly stepped away from food obsessing and I fell asleep happy.

I woke up with a new found love towards my bumps and lumps. I can’t guarantee I'll love it completely instantaneously but I felt so much kinder towards it and myself. Both food and weight have been controlling centres in my life for so long slipping back into panic mode can almost be like putting on some old, extremely worn, uncomfortable shoes but like shoes I can choose to put it back in the closet if I want. I don’t think I'll ever be able to escape it fully but I always have the comfort of loving my body to draw me back to solid ground.

Often people accuse fat people of trying to glorify obesity. I would like to point out that I, for one, am not out there trying to force feed my friends or tell them to gain weight. I just want to live in my body and be happy. That’s it. No master plan or dare I say, agenda, here.

 I’m trying to be glorious and obese not glorify it! And I would like to point out my psychological spiral here. I panicked about gaining weight and my reaction was to binge eat. I sat around all day obsessively thinking about food and going around in horrible circles so much that I was in a nightmare mood by the end of the night. When I sat back and thought lovingly about my body I relaxed and happily slipped out of binge eating habits. I can only attest for myself but I just feel that loving your body and feeling happy in your skin can’t be this bad thing that some people seem to feel it is, if and only if, you are fat
. As long as I’m not personally harming you I feel like maybe you should just let me be me and let me revel in my sexy, beautiful, strong, fat body and if you don’t like it..i really, really do not care! Not even a little bit, not even at all.

And on the 7th day I was shrouded in mist.

I woke up this morning and knew I wasn't going to see a single sunray but I wiggled out to the car anyway, got all wrapped up and went down on to the beach. It was pretty wonderful I must admit. It seemed like only the 70 feet around me existed. It was with windy but quiet at the same time and I loved it.

I'm someone who loves solitude..however there is that small irrational fear that someone might murder me!hahaha!

I called it a day fairly quickly and went home to do some editing before my boyfriend got up.

For my outfit today I wore one of my favourite green shirts and some jeans and I was definitely channelling my boy self. I absolutely love the duality of waking up and putting on certain clothes and feeling either boyish or girlish. It means no day is ever the same!

I decided to wear pink lipstick which I think was a mistake..first and foremost I was having an "I have forgotten how to make up" day and I just couldn't get a tidy line . Secondly it just didn't feel right with my outfit. It was a clash of my boy/girl side. However as the day has gone on its kinda grown on me. I do think I should have gone for something vampy cause it would have made me feel like a boss bitch!  There's always tomorrow!

Adventure till the end people!

My thoughts on body shame.

My life has changed drastically in the last two years. Two years ago I discovered the most wonderful community of people, The body positive community and since learning about body love in a different light m entire life has changed. The bothersome thing to me is that I cannot pinpoint a moment, a quote, an account that suddenly made me realize that loving myself, exactly how I am was not a crime. I wish I could.

Learning to love my body has only made me more aware of the subtle body shaming that exists in every day life. I am not just talking about the trolls who spam Instagram pics or YouTube videos. I am not talking about those "caring folk" who only shame us for our health. I am talking about your mother, your friends, your family. People who are as indoctrinated as I was about fat bodies, skinny bodies, disabled bodies, short bodies, any body that doesn't look like the ones in magazines. And don't even get me started on those. It is easy to blame popular culture for these things and I will be the first to rant about how these magazines perpetuate "ideal beauty" but two years ago I made a choice to broaden my mind. To accept that just because I am being bombarded with an idea does not mean I have to choose to believe it. I made that choice and it was the best thing I ever did.

Several things happened when I did this.

No. 1

I stopped wearing clothes that didn't fit me

For years I have fought the weight that I have put on ad the sizing ups I have gone through. If you had asked me a couple of years ago to go shopping I would have groaned. Until recently I thought the worst thing you could buy someone for their birthday was clothes. I got no joy from clothes. They were confines that reminded me every day that I was getting bigger. I looked at the clothes I wore and their boring plainness screamed at me that I was too fat to wear the interesting clothes I wanted to wear. One of the main reasons I wanted to loose weight was so that I "could wear the clothes I wanted to wear". I'll be honest, living in Waterford, Ireland didn't help combat any of these issues. Clothing ranges here tend to go up to 18 at best with a few places offering a handful of size 20's. Once I outgrew this range (I am currently a size 24) I was at a loss. My only other option? Evans. I have no Issue with any plus size clothing shop but the reality is that as a teenager who already felt like they stuck out I didn't particularly feel like wearing clothes that were clearly made for older women and most of which were designed to hide the "hideous" body I had. I am currently 26 years old and only this year did I begin to wear the clothes I wanted to wear. In fact it is only within the last few months that I have truly begun to put together a wardrobe that actually brings me joy.

Night out prep for most girls means getting dolled up and trying on their favourite dresses and then probably exclaiming they had "nothing to wear" before picking up a comfy favourite and heading out. For me it meant emotional breakdowns as I tried to squish myself into clothes that no longer fit and mainly bored the crap out of me anyway. I would regularly break down in tears/have a temper tantrum (with myself of course not anyone else) before finding some loose fitting item that hid all of my perceived flaws and went out feeling awful and then wonder why I had a bad night and probably drank too much. Events that should have been fun turned into self torturing guilt parties with myself.

So you can imagine the amazing revelation shopping for the right size was when it happened for me. As I type this I'm currently eagerly awaiting a birthday haul from boohoo and New Look filled with excitement at the thought of trying on clothes that I know will a) fit me and b) I will feel proud to walk around in. All of the past fear and anguish that I subjected myself too because a silly number seem like long forgotten insanity to me now. Is my value really any less or more if my dress size is bigger or for that matter smaller? which leads me on to the next thing I realized.

No. 2 Fat people aren't the only ones who are body shamed.

Yes this is obvious, yes I knew this already but I was too wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself to realise the extent of this. For me my life has been very much shaped by shame. My family shamed me for my weight, and unbeknownst to themselves still do, my friends and peers shamed me (not my current friends however, they are amazing, the others those..I lost those haters) magazines shamed me, strangers on the street shamed me. Apparently being fat was the most important thing about me, who knew how much space I occupied was that important to every damn person. What I was happily ignoring though was that every. single. body. is. shamed. For whatever reason. At varying levels of intensity. I wallowed in my self pity allowing myself believe I had it the toughest of everyone I knew but the reality was I was just worse at hiding my insecurity, Just last week a friend of mine I have always believed to be strong and confident admitted to me that she looks in the mirror and criticizes everything. Me telling her there is no need to criticize any part of her is pointless. Me saying well if I can love all these lumps and bumps then you should shut up is ridiculous and also inaccurate. For her a few extra pounds means as much as my few extra stone does to me. It is her body and it saddens me that when she look at herself she sees only imperfections but as of yet I am still searching for a way to take the flaw coloured glasses off for her. All I can do is try and explain for me what was important and the root of that for me is this. I stopped believing the lies. The lies that I was worth less because I weighed more. That I was ugly because my body was extra large. That I didn't deserve to feel good because I ate too much. That I should look in the mirror and criticize instead of adore. Its not easy for me every day sometimes I feel like a lump of play dough and other days I feel like a Grecian goddess but the fact the the days I feel sexy outweigh the days I feel like crap is a win for me. 

I stopped listening to others and their opinions about my body and when I did I saw my real body for the first time ever. Before I couldn't tell you two things I liked about my body now I could list hundreds. And that doesn't mean everyone has to agree with me. My point here is that I no longer care. I love my body and that is enough for me and I wish with all my heart that I could explain that to her. We had a great chat and I hope some of the stuff stuck with her but I am aware that changing your lifes beliefs can't happen overnight however I refuse to stop preaching this (and I am not a preachy person) but if there has ever been a cause to get behind its helping people love themselves. This world is hard enough without being your own worst critic. And that my friends is my third (and final) point.

No.3 We are all our own worst critic 

My god, if you take anything, like one tiny thing from this post I want it to be this. 

Go easy on yourself. You are doing your best!

Seriously though you are, you're still here, still fighting and that is always worth something. I have always noticed people bashing themselves and I'm going to be honest here the majority are women. I know men do too. Don't panic I'm not claiming men don't have it hard but there is no denying that here is more pressure on women to fit a certain aesthetic. As I was saying I tend to find it's women bashing themselves. I always noticed it obviously cause you know, I've met a woman, but it saddens me so much more now that I am aware that you can live your life (mostly) free of this. All the women in my life, from my cousin and friends to my sister to my mother and her sisters to acquaintances or people I've met once or twice it has become common place for women to put themselves in most conversations. From "harmless" things such as "Oh I could never wear/do/say that" to big things every time I hear it a voice is screaming STOP TEARING YOURSELF DOWN! the world already tries to do it, don't help it please! nobody is worthless, nobody is ugly and unloveable. There is only one thing that matters in the world. Trying to leave it better than you found it. Try to be good and kind and live a hate free life and that is it. And that includes letting go of self hate. I am not able to claim this utopic thing myself. I know what I'm saying is hard but if you try every day then your doing it. As long as you refuse to give in to the hate in this world then you are still winning. Start with just being kind to yourself. And yes it is that simple. If it helps say stop out loud when you start internally bashing yourself. Be your own support system and at risk of revealing myself as a Teen Wolf fan, in the wise words of Mellissa McCall "Be your own anchor". Don't depend on others to build you up because that will never be enough. You are the only constant in your life. Wake up in the morning and tell yourself you are wonderful and that you are proud of yourself. Start your day on a damn good foot and maybe you'll make it through less scathed!