My thoughts on body shame.

My life has changed drastically in the last two years. Two years ago I discovered the most wonderful community of people, The body positive community and since learning about body love in a different light m entire life has changed. The bothersome thing to me is that I cannot pinpoint a moment, a quote, an account that suddenly made me realize that loving myself, exactly how I am was not a crime. I wish I could.

Learning to love my body has only made me more aware of the subtle body shaming that exists in every day life. I am not just talking about the trolls who spam Instagram pics or YouTube videos. I am not talking about those "caring folk" who only shame us for our health. I am talking about your mother, your friends, your family. People who are as indoctrinated as I was about fat bodies, skinny bodies, disabled bodies, short bodies, any body that doesn't look like the ones in magazines. And don't even get me started on those. It is easy to blame popular culture for these things and I will be the first to rant about how these magazines perpetuate "ideal beauty" but two years ago I made a choice to broaden my mind. To accept that just because I am being bombarded with an idea does not mean I have to choose to believe it. I made that choice and it was the best thing I ever did.

Several things happened when I did this.

No. 1

I stopped wearing clothes that didn't fit me

For years I have fought the weight that I have put on ad the sizing ups I have gone through. If you had asked me a couple of years ago to go shopping I would have groaned. Until recently I thought the worst thing you could buy someone for their birthday was clothes. I got no joy from clothes. They were confines that reminded me every day that I was getting bigger. I looked at the clothes I wore and their boring plainness screamed at me that I was too fat to wear the interesting clothes I wanted to wear. One of the main reasons I wanted to loose weight was so that I "could wear the clothes I wanted to wear". I'll be honest, living in Waterford, Ireland didn't help combat any of these issues. Clothing ranges here tend to go up to 18 at best with a few places offering a handful of size 20's. Once I outgrew this range (I am currently a size 24) I was at a loss. My only other option? Evans. I have no Issue with any plus size clothing shop but the reality is that as a teenager who already felt like they stuck out I didn't particularly feel like wearing clothes that were clearly made for older women and most of which were designed to hide the "hideous" body I had. I am currently 26 years old and only this year did I begin to wear the clothes I wanted to wear. In fact it is only within the last few months that I have truly begun to put together a wardrobe that actually brings me joy.

Night out prep for most girls means getting dolled up and trying on their favourite dresses and then probably exclaiming they had "nothing to wear" before picking up a comfy favourite and heading out. For me it meant emotional breakdowns as I tried to squish myself into clothes that no longer fit and mainly bored the crap out of me anyway. I would regularly break down in tears/have a temper tantrum (with myself of course not anyone else) before finding some loose fitting item that hid all of my perceived flaws and went out feeling awful and then wonder why I had a bad night and probably drank too much. Events that should have been fun turned into self torturing guilt parties with myself.

So you can imagine the amazing revelation shopping for the right size was when it happened for me. As I type this I'm currently eagerly awaiting a birthday haul from boohoo and New Look filled with excitement at the thought of trying on clothes that I know will a) fit me and b) I will feel proud to walk around in. All of the past fear and anguish that I subjected myself too because a silly number seem like long forgotten insanity to me now. Is my value really any less or more if my dress size is bigger or for that matter smaller? which leads me on to the next thing I realized.

No. 2 Fat people aren't the only ones who are body shamed.

Yes this is obvious, yes I knew this already but I was too wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself to realise the extent of this. For me my life has been very much shaped by shame. My family shamed me for my weight, and unbeknownst to themselves still do, my friends and peers shamed me (not my current friends however, they are amazing, the others those..I lost those haters) magazines shamed me, strangers on the street shamed me. Apparently being fat was the most important thing about me, who knew how much space I occupied was that important to every damn person. What I was happily ignoring though was that every. single. body. is. shamed. For whatever reason. At varying levels of intensity. I wallowed in my self pity allowing myself believe I had it the toughest of everyone I knew but the reality was I was just worse at hiding my insecurity, Just last week a friend of mine I have always believed to be strong and confident admitted to me that she looks in the mirror and criticizes everything. Me telling her there is no need to criticize any part of her is pointless. Me saying well if I can love all these lumps and bumps then you should shut up is ridiculous and also inaccurate. For her a few extra pounds means as much as my few extra stone does to me. It is her body and it saddens me that when she look at herself she sees only imperfections but as of yet I am still searching for a way to take the flaw coloured glasses off for her. All I can do is try and explain for me what was important and the root of that for me is this. I stopped believing the lies. The lies that I was worth less because I weighed more. That I was ugly because my body was extra large. That I didn't deserve to feel good because I ate too much. That I should look in the mirror and criticize instead of adore. Its not easy for me every day sometimes I feel like a lump of play dough and other days I feel like a Grecian goddess but the fact the the days I feel sexy outweigh the days I feel like crap is a win for me. 

I stopped listening to others and their opinions about my body and when I did I saw my real body for the first time ever. Before I couldn't tell you two things I liked about my body now I could list hundreds. And that doesn't mean everyone has to agree with me. My point here is that I no longer care. I love my body and that is enough for me and I wish with all my heart that I could explain that to her. We had a great chat and I hope some of the stuff stuck with her but I am aware that changing your lifes beliefs can't happen overnight however I refuse to stop preaching this (and I am not a preachy person) but if there has ever been a cause to get behind its helping people love themselves. This world is hard enough without being your own worst critic. And that my friends is my third (and final) point.

No.3 We are all our own worst critic 

My god, if you take anything, like one tiny thing from this post I want it to be this. 

Go easy on yourself. You are doing your best!

Seriously though you are, you're still here, still fighting and that is always worth something. I have always noticed people bashing themselves and I'm going to be honest here the majority are women. I know men do too. Don't panic I'm not claiming men don't have it hard but there is no denying that here is more pressure on women to fit a certain aesthetic. As I was saying I tend to find it's women bashing themselves. I always noticed it obviously cause you know, I've met a woman, but it saddens me so much more now that I am aware that you can live your life (mostly) free of this. All the women in my life, from my cousin and friends to my sister to my mother and her sisters to acquaintances or people I've met once or twice it has become common place for women to put themselves in most conversations. From "harmless" things such as "Oh I could never wear/do/say that" to big things every time I hear it a voice is screaming STOP TEARING YOURSELF DOWN! the world already tries to do it, don't help it please! nobody is worthless, nobody is ugly and unloveable. There is only one thing that matters in the world. Trying to leave it better than you found it. Try to be good and kind and live a hate free life and that is it. And that includes letting go of self hate. I am not able to claim this utopic thing myself. I know what I'm saying is hard but if you try every day then your doing it. As long as you refuse to give in to the hate in this world then you are still winning. Start with just being kind to yourself. And yes it is that simple. If it helps say stop out loud when you start internally bashing yourself. Be your own support system and at risk of revealing myself as a Teen Wolf fan, in the wise words of Mellissa McCall "Be your own anchor". Don't depend on others to build you up because that will never be enough. You are the only constant in your life. Wake up in the morning and tell yourself you are wonderful and that you are proud of yourself. Start your day on a damn good foot and maybe you'll make it through less scathed!

OOTD#1/Get me some panadol quick/face my fear friday

So I started this blog a couple of months ago and then we moved house. Normally that would suggest a short absence but not for me. I moved into my new house in october...and we got internet yesterday. Honestly going without the internet was kind of cathartic and in the end we only got it because my boyfriend needs it for college.

So, I'm back!

Not that I had that much of a following (or any!) but I'm feeling amped up and excited about this!

So when I started the blog I decided to call it "My next great adventure" because that's the kind of person I am, always looking for a new adventure, always looking ahead, but I had no idea how appropriate the title would become.

In the last couple of months I have really started to get involved in the wonderful movement that has been happening worldwide for a while now. This movement for me, is one of the most important in my everyday life, This movement is the reason I am posting these pictures and believe me, I am terrified,

The body positivity movement has changed my life.

This is not an exaggeration.

I have spent my life hiding this body that has drawn such negative attention. I have spent my life making myself seem smaller, shorter, more invisible and I became great at being invisible,

Except for the haters of course....they all have eyes like Moody and can see right through my invisibility cloak!

This movement has made me stand up straight, puff out my chest and proclaim, "I am here, I am sexy, and nothing you can say will change that fact". Calling the sky green will not make it so.

Two and a half years ago the best thing in my life happened, I met my incredible, handsome, intelligent boyfriend. He changed everything for me. I wasn't alone against this world anymore. I was noticed. He saw me when I was still hiding and he fought hard for me despite my throwing up road blocks at every damn turn. At first I felt a little ashamed however...was I really that woman? The woman who needed a man to validate me? I struggled with this for a while before I realised something. I had found something within me that I could take with me anywhere. He had given me something more valuable than anything I owned. Whether the relationship lasted or not he had done something wonderful, and does to this day. He had loved me. He's not the most verbal man but by god can I count on him. I am certain of two things: I am extremely lucky to have fallen in love with my best friend and that my best friend had fallen in love with me. He loves me blindly, and without doubt and it shook my ideas about myself.

Society had told me, exes had told me, my family had told me that unless I lost weight I would never have what I have. And then Paul came along and he just loved me. That was it. No if's, no doubts, no judgement (about anything) and I started to wonder if maybe everyone was wrong. However I still felt that he was just one in a million who saw me that way.

My insecurities tried to pull me down but I changed. I started to fight them instead of giving in and it brought me to a rather healthy place. A year ago I joined instagram to post some photos I'd taken and I got a good response to my work. I started to get a bit jaded with it after a while. I would post something, get a few likes. That was it. And then I found some incredible accounts. I believe wholly in the notion that all bodies are good bodies but I will admit what first drew me in were pictures of big girls KILLING IT! here were people like me who had hundreds of followers, thousands of followers, who were living their lives their way and looking incredible doing it. Girls who were edgy and fashion forward. All my life my options had been limited. Living in waterford my options were penneys (primark) or mens shops essentially. I was/am a tomboy, which delighted my mother, she could hide my oversized frame under big t shirts and baggy jumpers. I hid in them happily but when I wanted to start wearing fashionable things I hit a block. I couldn't find anything remotely edgy and my style is definitely more spikes and studs than flowers and roses (although I do indulge now and then!;p) and they just didn't have that in big sizes. I felt left out. I felt under confident. I felt angry. I felt all the things, but here were girls who were just wearing what they wanted.

Doing what they wanted. Doing what I wanted.

I discovered online shopping (asos is my god) and thrift stores. I love vintage and vintage loves me. I can rock a good vintage number and found the sizes were more forgiving. Also I had an eye for beautiful things that might have needed a little revamping and finally I had something to play with.

I was still to scared and critical to post anything though and I hovered around the edges of the bopo community wishing I could do what they did. But such a positive vibe is hard to escape and in the last few months I have been dragged (happily) into the mindset. I have spent my life looking for an accepting community that wanted nothing but myself from me because in recent months I have firmly started telling everyone who'll listen that I am awesome! ;p

I honestly didn't mean for this to turn into a big splurge but word vom is hard to stop! But all of this explanation leads up to what I'm posting today.

Firstly the panadol thing to explain...wine. There it's explained!:)

Secondly and most importantly my very first Outfit of the day post. And Face my Fears Friday.

All wrapped up in one lovely, thrifty, vintage outfit.

I woke up hungover this morning realising I had forgotten to dry my jeans. :(

I stood there slapping on a bit of lippy wondering what the hell I was going to wear when a colourful piece of cloth caught my eye. I bought this dress three weeks ago in a charity (thrift) shop for €5 and forgot to even try it on. I grabbed some tights and threw it on. It fit lovely, except for the, ahem, girls, who were a little squished but I can live with that. I chopped out the shoulder pads (for those real vintage girls I apologise but I have broad shoulders..I am not adding to them) altered the sleeves a little and away we went.

 And I feel Fierce today. And I feel Fierce in these pictures but I'm also terrified. I am facing my fears. Some of the parts of my body that I have hidden all my life. My Legs. My Arms.

 I looked at them and couldn't love them no matter what. If you had told me two months ago I'd be posting and OOTD that featured both my arms, and my legs I would have laughed. And yet here we are, my first one ever and I'm doing it.

 I have never worn a dress without tights, ever, even when I lived in spain. And I have never gone out the door without a cover up for my arms. To the detriment of outfits. I just couldn't. I am not sure I am there yet either but photos that I approve of are a start.

 Now a bit about the outfit, most of what I'm wearing is thrifted. The dress was bought as I said for €5 and the cardigan was thrifted for €3. The shoes however are from asos and I adore them!

 Look at me showing leg...ooh la la...can you say that to yourself??Oh well! Anyway the shoes were on sale on asos and they are ASOS Soda pointed heels. They are one of my favourite colours and are also a little different and edgy and I adore them. They are very comfy and a reasonable sized heel. They are also currently on sale for about €12! Link at the bottom!

 I would also like to ask you to excuse the middle parting in this picture...many girls can rock it but I a not one of them!

So thats about it for my first ever OOTD and I am feeling proud as punch!

I hope ye enjoy it I certainly enjoyed doing it!

Have a good one!


Link for the Shoes: http://www.asos.com//ASOS/ASOS-SODA-Pointed-Heels/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=5033013

Diy test: Face Masks

I have good skin. That and tallness are the two body things I've been blessed with. I don't have a skincare routine. I splash some water on my face..if I remember...im actually more disgusting than I like to admit. However...i also only wear make up when im going out on a night out...which at this stage is about once a month...my social life consists of bottles of wine and harry potter at home with Paul. We have no life.
So I suppose that helps!what I do get are blackheads..not massive ones but I notice them, also my pores are supper visible. Now I'm not fussy about make up...cheap and cheerful is how I go..as I do with most things..but I do have sensitive skin. When I was four I got into my mothers make up and lathered it everywhere...you know what it looks like when a kid puts make up on..I'm fairly certain I had lipstick on my eye lids. Well it was at this point my mother discovered that I was slightly allergic to make up..she took the make up off to discover the shapes I had drawn on left shining glaringly red underneath. They stayed for three days. Then I discovered face paint does pretty much the same thing..I limit use of it to Halloween much to my sadness because I do love to beat my face. So certain things dont agree with my skin..im careful about the things I put on and when it comes to cleansers etc I have issues...of course as I mentioned water is the fanciest face thing I have so I don't come upon this problem much.
However I do like face masks.
I love coming home after a shitty day and slapping one on. Something about have your face skins all shiny and new makes you feel and inch better about your life.
I generally as a rule prefer to go natural. Also why pay big money for something you can make yourself? So I've decided to try out a few of the recipes that are floating around out there and see of they really work or if its just something sticky that you slap on your face! To give each of these masks a fair try I'm going to test them over the space of a week or so...do it three or four times you know..and give a run down of all the important things..stickness, grossnessness, ease of creation, and of course how well they work (if at all!)
I'm going to start this little trial with a super simple, cant go wrong, foolproof face mask supposedly for blackheads! I got the recipe from www.sproutinghealthyhabits.com . It's literally orange juice and baking powder...or soda...im not sure but its on the blog which I've linked below. Il be back in a week with pics and results!
Sprouting healthy habits

The next great adventure begins

Everyone in the world is shaped by what people think of them. Of their opinions, or there size, the things they were born with or the things they were born without. It shapes their personality, the way they act in public and more often than it should their self worth and confidence. Of course many other things are effected. Life shapes us...obviously.
Its funny the things that affect us, a stray comment mentioned in passing or something thats repeated over and over so much it becomes part of you.
When I was little I loved my dad...I wanted to be like him. As a four year old girl I ran around in jeans and t shorts wearing a pair of red wellies that I refused to take off..for anything. My poor mother had a lot to deal with. My favourite toy was an old blue ride on tractor that I happily played with all day in the garden if allowed. Can you guess what my dad is? He's a farmer for those who didn't make the connection! I grew up thinking the way I acted was normal but people soon pointed out I wasn't. Girls picked on me for being to boyish and boys pointed out I wasn't one of them..i was a girl!
It changed as I got older of course, guys and girls pointed out that I was manly which eventually led to people thinking I was gay in my teenage years. The common theme here..people looked at the way I dressed and judged me. Then I started to put on weight and so my mother began to judge me. She may not have meant it in a bad way and probably wanted to save me from mean comments but instead of improving my diet she chose to hide my shape under men's clothes. Maybe this was what I wanted at the start but as soon as she started differentiating between me Andy sister based on more than our preferences I started to get conscious. When i finally showed some interest in dresses she told me jeans and a bog t short would be "more flattering". When I bought my first pair of flat pumps at about 17 because I was sick runners or doc martins she told me they would be more suited to a girl with skinnier ankles and that they made my legs look "chunkier". Of course she was trying in her way to protect me from the world but as we all know covering up a problem does not a solution make.
I became very withdrawn and comment after comment from kids about my weight and fashion sense made me anxious about social situations. I went from a bubbly, chatty, over excited kid to a nervous, quiet teen who didn't do well in social situations. I made some excellent supportive friends along the way who still love me today bit I also made some bad choices as regards to friends and boyfriends. One boyfriend told me if I wanted to get guys I would have to "become a slut or loose weight". Everyone reacts differently to these kinds of things but being sensitive I took everything to heart. Every comment cut deeper into my self esteem until I believed all the haters.
I didn't deserve love. I deserved to be ignored by guys and treated differently because I was different and I definitely didn't deserve to wear nice clothes or feel pretty. But alot has changed since then. I met an amazing man several years ago and eventually we started dating. We ve been together nearly three years now and we love each other so much. We have a healthy, loving, equal relationship and he supports me in everything I do. Its amazing how much good some ours love and support can do to fix some of the wrongs however after some time I realised his love would only fix so much. When he tells me im sexy and that I look gorgeous I still doubt him. I think he loves me for my brains and personality (which is also good obviously) but that he doesn't really love my body. Weirdly im not insecure about him leaving me for someone else, I just think he cant be as attracted to me as he says he is because so many people have told me differently all my life.
I have had honest friends tell me that I have "a pretty face" and that is a "but your body ain't so great" sentence if I ever heard one. They may not have said it but I can read between the lines.
I realised that Paul could tell me all these things till the cows came home but I couldn't believe him because I don't believe it.
So im starting to try to believe it. Because thats the first step. I want to loose weight because im not healthy enough but I also want to learn to love myself no matter what. I want to learn to ignore peoples judgements about me and live the way I want to. By writing this blog I hope to fi d the things im looking for. Above all I want to find a way to maintain my anxiety and learn to get through day to day life without taking on the weight of every comment made about me. And I want to learn to see myself the way Paul (my boyfriend) sees me instead of the rest of the world.
Im going to document my weight loss and my daily struggles. I'm also going to bake.
MYTH NO.1 TO DISPEL
1. You cant bake or eat baked goods and be healthy.
Screw that. I love to eat and i love finding new inventive recipes that help me have my cake and eat it! Literally.
So you can expect recipes for baking and for random dinners I concoct in my never ending search for interesting new dinners to look forward to.
I'm also going to do something that scares me. Selfie therapy.
I hate pictures of me. This isn't to say I don't look in the mirror sometimes and think I love damn fine but when I take a picture..good lord...every imperfection may as well have a red circle drawn around it. For reals. And my chins appear out of nowhere. If im feeling fierce about my make up taking a picture is asure fire way to get rid of that feeling! In pictures it looks like my make ups been done by a heavy handed four year old..anyone else ever find that??also I appear to ha e hairs in places that I just don't im the light of day! So im going to try and take a selfie every now and then and just love it. Even if that annoying spot is super noticeable! And everytime im feeling fly in an outfit im going to memorialise it! Why not eh?
There's many things I do to ease my nerves and crafting os a big thi g so expect some of that too! So you can expect a mish mash vag of snicker snackers from me! (anyone else a modern family fan?Gloria is my queen!)
“There are no safe paths in this part of the world. Remember you are over the Edge of the Wild now, and in for all sorts of fun wherever you go."
Tolkien, "The Hobbit"