Tuesday, 15 December 2015

The next great adventure begins

Everyone in the world is shaped by what people think of them. Of their opinions, or there size, the things they were born with or the things they were born without. It shapes their personality, the way they act in public and more often than it should their self worth and confidence. Of course many other things are effected. Life shapes us...obviously.
Its funny the things that affect us, a stray comment mentioned in passing or something thats repeated over and over so much it becomes part of you.
When I was little I loved my dad...I wanted to be like him. As a four year old girl I ran around in jeans and t shorts wearing a pair of red wellies that I refused to take off..for anything. My poor mother had a lot to deal with. My favourite toy was an old blue ride on tractor that I happily played with all day in the garden if allowed. Can you guess what my dad is? He's a farmer for those who didn't make the connection! I grew up thinking the way I acted was normal but people soon pointed out I wasn't. Girls picked on me for being to boyish and boys pointed out I wasn't one of them..i was a girl!
It changed as I got older of course, guys and girls pointed out that I was manly which eventually led to people thinking I was gay in my teenage years. The common theme here..people looked at the way I dressed and judged me. Then I started to put on weight and so my mother began to judge me. She may not have meant it in a bad way and probably wanted to save me from mean comments but instead of improving my diet she chose to hide my shape under men's clothes. Maybe this was what I wanted at the start but as soon as she started differentiating between me Andy sister based on more than our preferences I started to get conscious. When i finally showed some interest in dresses she told me jeans and a bog t short would be "more flattering". When I bought my first pair of flat pumps at about 17 because I was sick runners or doc martins she told me they would be more suited to a girl with skinnier ankles and that they made my legs look "chunkier". Of course she was trying in her way to protect me from the world but as we all know covering up a problem does not a solution make.
I became very withdrawn and comment after comment from kids about my weight and fashion sense made me anxious about social situations. I went from a bubbly, chatty, over excited kid to a nervous, quiet teen who didn't do well in social situations. I made some excellent supportive friends along the way who still love me today bit I also made some bad choices as regards to friends and boyfriends. One boyfriend told me if I wanted to get guys I would have to "become a slut or loose weight". Everyone reacts differently to these kinds of things but being sensitive I took everything to heart. Every comment cut deeper into my self esteem until I believed all the haters.
I didn't deserve love. I deserved to be ignored by guys and treated differently because I was different and I definitely didn't deserve to wear nice clothes or feel pretty. But alot has changed since then. I met an amazing man several years ago and eventually we started dating. We ve been together nearly three years now and we love each other so much. We have a healthy, loving, equal relationship and he supports me in everything I do. Its amazing how much good some ours love and support can do to fix some of the wrongs however after some time I realised his love would only fix so much. When he tells me im sexy and that I look gorgeous I still doubt him. I think he loves me for my brains and personality (which is also good obviously) but that he doesn't really love my body. Weirdly im not insecure about him leaving me for someone else, I just think he cant be as attracted to me as he says he is because so many people have told me differently all my life.
I have had honest friends tell me that I have "a pretty face" and that is a "but your body ain't so great" sentence if I ever heard one. They may not have said it but I can read between the lines.
I realised that Paul could tell me all these things till the cows came home but I couldn't believe him because I don't believe it.
So im starting to try to believe it. Because thats the first step. I want to loose weight because im not healthy enough but I also want to learn to love myself no matter what. I want to learn to ignore peoples judgements about me and live the way I want to. By writing this blog I hope to fi d the things im looking for. Above all I want to find a way to maintain my anxiety and learn to get through day to day life without taking on the weight of every comment made about me. And I want to learn to see myself the way Paul (my boyfriend) sees me instead of the rest of the world.
Im going to document my weight loss and my daily struggles. I'm also going to bake.
1. You cant bake or eat baked goods and be healthy.
Screw that. I love to eat and i love finding new inventive recipes that help me have my cake and eat it! Literally.
So you can expect recipes for baking and for random dinners I concoct in my never ending search for interesting new dinners to look forward to.
I'm also going to do something that scares me. Selfie therapy.
I hate pictures of me. This isn't to say I don't look in the mirror sometimes and think I love damn fine but when I take a picture..good lord...every imperfection may as well have a red circle drawn around it. For reals. And my chins appear out of nowhere. If im feeling fierce about my make up taking a picture is asure fire way to get rid of that feeling! In pictures it looks like my make ups been done by a heavy handed four year old..anyone else ever find that??also I appear to ha e hairs in places that I just don't im the light of day! So im going to try and take a selfie every now and then and just love it. Even if that annoying spot is super noticeable! And everytime im feeling fly in an outfit im going to memorialise it! Why not eh?
There's many things I do to ease my nerves and crafting os a big thi g so expect some of that too! So you can expect a mish mash vag of snicker snackers from me! (anyone else a modern family fan?Gloria is my queen!)
“There are no safe paths in this part of the world. Remember you are over the Edge of the Wild now, and in for all sorts of fun wherever you go."
Tolkien, "The Hobbit"

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